Laughaholic

Laughaholic
Welcome to the special LAUGH post. I’ve gathered various jokes all around the world…just kidding. Enjoy! Lol!

1) “Married people, here’s some advice: stop making marriages sound so scary! My married friends always say, ‘You know, Pete, marriage isn’t a sprint; it’s a marathon.” Well, I’ve run a marathon, and I was only happy when it was done.” --Pete Lee

2) “Scientists say they have found the missing link-a little monkey. It lived on mostly twigs and berries, which makes it the direct ancestor of today’s supermodel.” –Craig Ferguson, on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.

3) While filling up at a petrol station, I accidentally spilled gasoline on my shirt. When I when inside to pay, I noticed a women crinkling her nose. Very embarrassed, I tried to put her mind at ease. “If you smell gas,” I said, “It’s me.”—Reader’s Digest, September issue , life section, Joseph Bozulich.

4) My boss’s wife was concerned about her son. He had gotten one D and three F's ’on his report card. “Why do you think he is not doing well?” she asked me. Before I could stop the words coming out of my mouth, I said, “Seems to me he’s concentrating too much on just one subject.”—Reader’s Digest, September issue, @ Work, Al Curry.

5) An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal. “It’s all right,” says the husband, “We share everything.” A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn’t taken a bite. “I really wouldn’t mind buying your wife her own meal,” he insists. “She’ll eat,’ the husband assures him. “We share everything.” Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, “Why aren’t you eating?” The wife snaps, “Because I’m waiting for the teeth!”

6) Doctor, Doctor, why are you putting a brain in that man?
He said he wants to change his mind.

7) Doctor, Doctor, I stuck my finger in an electrical outlet!
Young lady, that’s shocking!

8) Doctor, Doctor, why are you putting makeup on that patient’s head?
I’m trying to help her makeup her mind.

9) One day, a teacher, a politician and a rabbi went to have lunch together. Their conversations turn to about what would they want others to say about during their funeral. “If I were to die,” began the teacher, “I would like someone to say that ‘He was a dedicated teacher who sacrificed his wings to protect his students, teaching them, making it able for them to fly.’” The politician nodded and began meaningfully, “If I were to die, I hoped someone would say so during my funeral, ‘He was a great man of honor, of great qualities and a respectful man. Period.’” They both turned towards the rabbi, who remained silent throughout the conversation. “What about you, rabbi?” The rabbi kept silent for a moment and said, “One my funeral, I did like someone to say, ‘He’s ALIVE!’”

10) A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

11) GOLF-Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.

12) My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother’s piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy bank in, of all places, the refrigerator. Inside, was this note: “Dear sister, I hope you’ll understand, but my capital has been frozen.”

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